TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable h2o. But yes, positive, let's have Yet another position wherever American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: present everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the project, replied, "You understand, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from space, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest element Trump Tower Damascus on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by guests could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll purchase a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level may even include:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel in which my PTSD may have change-down support."


One more submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You are welcome."

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